we have officially lost it.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
