I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
