Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
