got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
last night I used snow as a chaser
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
