she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
