brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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