This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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