I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
this is an emotional support booty call
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
