whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
