Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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