A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
