i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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