pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
