The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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