I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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