got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
