in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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