i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
be right there i have to get my cape
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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