Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
