Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
