I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
not ubering you a puppy
Randomize
