Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
