He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
