He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She even gives head with a lisp.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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