i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
