By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
