you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
