I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
