I met the friendliest cop last night
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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