At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
