I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
