I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
