oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
God, I missed his penis.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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