remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
