I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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