Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
