omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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