hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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