I skipped work to stalk him.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
