Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
