U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
