your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Randomize
