I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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