so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
did you just send me my own nude
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
