I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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