so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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