You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
