She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
