Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
