Barsexuality is the new black.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
